


Humiliation Equals Hatred

by AshleyPureHeart



Category: Captain Underpants Series - Dav Pilkey, Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie (2017)
Genre: tw: bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-03-27 03:25:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13872096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshleyPureHeart/pseuds/AshleyPureHeart
Summary: After having one of his reoccurring nightmares, Professor Poopypants wonders if anybody in the world truly likes him. The answer just might surprise him.





	Humiliation Equals Hatred

**Author's Note:**

> This oneshot was inspired by my own personal belief that because the Annie Awards didn't give Nick Kroll an award for his voice work as Professor Poopypants, it meant that they thought he was terrible, but thanks to HolyMaiden24, I was reminded that many people online thought Nick Kroll's performance as Professor Poopypants was the best part of the film (her example was the DreamWorks Countdown review of Captain Underpants Rotoscopers did, while I saw Nick Kroll's role as Professor Poopypants as an honorable mention for the best supporting character in an animated movie in 2017 on some animation site). I also give her credit for most of the insults used in this fanfiction.

After months of work, Professor Poopypants’ new and improved version of the Sizeirator was finished, and he was ready to present it at a national scientific convention. As he was waiting backstage, people were making snarky comments about him.

“I think that this 'Poopypants' guy is going to present the stupidest invention ever!” a woman said.

“Maybe it’s a toilet!” the man talking to her said.

“Or something that’s literally shit!

"Speaking of that guy, look, he's right next to us!" The man said, before the woman turned around to the tiny professor to ask him a question.

“Hey there, will you shine if you get polished or is that a myth?”

Professor Poopypants started to become mad and screamed in the woman’s face. “I'm not a piece of poop, I'm a scientist! No one seems to understand me just because of my stupid name!"

“Oh, my fault for asking.” The woman apologized. “I just want to let you know that with a name like that, no one would want to pay attention to you!” She then giggled as she walked away from the tiny professor.

After a few minutes, the announcer then introduced the tiny professor. Upon walking onto the stage, the tiny professor was greeted with laughter.

“Stop laughing!” the tiny professor ordered. “I haven’t shown you anything yet!”

“Get off the stage, Trouser Turd! We don’t want to see your shit!”

The audience then continued laughing as Professor Poopypants ran off the stage. A few seconds later, he found himself in some city.

 “Zhat’s odd. Just a second ago I vas at zee convention…now vhy am I here?”

The tiny professor walked around to try to find his way back, and a man approached him.

 “Look who it is, the Nobel Prize winner, Pee-Pee Diarrheastein Poopypants Esquire! Maybe you should have won the ‘Poobel Prize in Being a Piece of Shit’!”

“Zhat’s NOT funny! I am a brilliant scientist, and you just don’t see zhat!”

Soon enough, other people in this city were insulting him.

“Someone like you should be sent to the mad house to be institutionalized! Oh, I’m sorry, I meant the outhouse to be insta-toot-ionalized.”

“Have a craptastic day, Diarrhea Denims!”

“Why are you against happiness? Or was that ‘Crappiness’?”

“You work in a laboratory? I thought you meant 'lavatory'!”

All these insults were making Professor Poopypants boil with rage. Instead of yelling at them, he ran away into an abandoned building to hide from his tormentors. What appeared to be beautiful woman was inside the building, but the tiny professor wasn't sure if it was one, seeing as her back was faced towards him, making him unable to see her face.

“I need help! No one is taking me seriously, and only vant to bully me due to my name! Can you help me stop these people?”

The woman then turned around to reveal her true form: the Nobel Prize moderator.

“I thought I got rid of you!” Professor Poopypants said.

“You know, there are ways to undo the effects of that lovely invention. I found one of your ‘emergency potions’ that you kept in your briefcase backstage, but that’s not the reason I’m here.  I would like to tell you something, Professor: Nobody likes you. Everyone hates you and only wants to humiliate you.”

“But zhere’s Melvin! He’s a good friend of mine!”

“Forget about Melvin. He never liked you. You just took advantage of his unique neurology and you it to make children unhappy! If your name is preventing others from taking you seriously, just give up your career as a scientist, Bellbottom Blowout!” the moderator laughed.

The tiny professor ran out of the building as the moderator chased him, and he found himself somewhere different yet again.

However, this time, it was a place he was familiar with: Jerome Horowitz Elementary School. It looked like it did during his “Poopageddon”.

“Oh no! I zhink I know vhere I am; this might have been before I disabled zee Hahaguffawchuckleamaluses of zee students! I’ve got to varn zhem about zhis!”

He rushed inside the school and went to the principal’s office, which was surprisingly empty, and talked over the loudspeaker.

“Attention students and faculty of Jerome Horowitz Elementary: someone’s trying to hurt everyone at zhis school! Evacuate the premises now; Professor Poopypants vill take care of zee threat!”

“I don’t get it. Why is it funny?” a chorus of voices said from outside the office.

Suddenly, swarms of humorless students and faculty crowded the hallways, and Professor Poopypants ran out to deal with them.

 “Everyone, I’m sorry! Professor Poopypants is going to change all of you back somehow!”

The students and faculty didn’t respond and just stared at him, repeating the same phrase they said earlier. The tiny professor ran out the door to get away from the humorless children and adults only to see the Turbo Toilet 2000 in front of him. From the expression on its’ screen, it looked like it wanted to fool around with him. It picked the tiny professor up and brought him closer to the screen where its’ eyes were.

 “Let go of me, Turbo Toilet!” Professor Poopypants cried, trying to pry himself out of the hands of the giant toilet. As he tried to free himself, the screen opened to reveal that George and Harold were inside the toilet.

“You just don’t seem to understand what you did to those poor kids, do you?” George asked.

“I did zhat because everyone doesn’t take me seriously and just vants to laugh at my name! But now, I know better! Release me now! I promise not to hurt anyone again!”

“Begging for forgiveness won’t help you. You have to learn your lesson the hard way…” Harold explained.

A lightbulb emerged out of the top of the toilet and sitting underneath it was Melvin Sneedly.

“Melvin! You’ve got to help me escape!”

“Sorry, Professor P. I don’t trust you anymore!” Melvin said as the boys turned on the lightbulb, releasing a brain-powered ray, which hit Professor Poopypants.

The tiny professor tried his best to defend himself against the ray by thinking of funny things, just as the boys did, but all he could hear in his head were people laughing and tormenting him.

“STOP IT! STOP LAUGHING! Stop…laughing…”

The tiny professor then lost consciousness as the boys evilly laughed at him.

 

* * *

 

Professor Poopypants suddenly woke up in his bedroom in the middle of the night, breathing heavily in fear from the nightmare he just had. He’d been having these “nobody likes you” nightmares for several years ever since the Nobel Prize incident, since that’s what he thought about himself after being humiliated, and it became even stronger when Americans began to humiliate and laugh at him almost every day. But a new thought that he hadn’t thought of before popped into his head, based on what the Nobel Prize moderator had told him in this dream about Melvin not really being his friend. He also thought of now horrifying sight he saw in the nightmare’s version of Jerome Horowitz Elementary (which might have put him off from disabling anyone’s brain ever again):

_There’s no way zhat I vas thinking could be true. Are zhere some foreigners out there who like and respect me?_

The tiny professor then put on his slippers, ran downstairs to go outside, and went inside his ice cream truck lab. He then turned on the computer and typed his name into the internet search engine. There were the usual videos and articles about that infamous incident, which bothered the professor, but he kept looking for positive things about himself. Surely enough, many people had done just that. One webpage had him as part of a list of great foreign scientists, another praised him for his great achievements, and there was a webpage even calling him “one of the greatest geniuses who have ever lived on this planet”. What was surprising was that some of these pages defended Professor Poopypants’ actions at the Nobel Prize ceremony, claiming that the Nobel Prize Committee were the real bullies, and that their actions were xenophobic. The most interesting thing he found was something called “The Poopypants Project”, which was often mentioned in the articles.

According to his research, it was started by a New Swisslander named Slimy Pottybutt, who moved to the United States for college. Like the tiny professor, Slimy had been humiliated at an awards ceremony, but instead of rage, she felt sadness, and wondered if any other New Swisslanders had been ostracized like she was. After learning about the Nobel Prize incident, Slimy decided that she would start a movement to have New Swisslanders be treated fairly. This movement consisted of New Swissland culture clubs in public schools and colleges and making the public more aware of New Swisslanders so that they can respect them. Not only were several people from New Swissland part of the movement, but there were several foreigners who supported this as well!

“Zhis is vhat I should’ve have been doing instead of trying to get rid of laughter,” the tiny professor said with tears in his eyes. “I should have been trying to get people to learn about our culture and not judge it! I’m going to have to thank zhis girl!”

The tiny professor then wrote Slimy an email.

_Dear Miss Slimy Pottybutt,_

_I’ve read your website and think that you’re doing a great job making the rest of the world aware of New Swisslanders and their odd culture. You’ve been writing on your website about wanting to meet the real Professor Poopypants someday and show him the results of your movement. Well, you’re not going to believe this, but I’m the real Professor Poopypants. I have attached some files showing pictures of the awards I've won as proof. Over the past few years, I’ve been making a lot of wrong decisions. Instead of doing what you’re doing, I’ve been trying to get rid of laughter when I should’ve been doing something like your project! I would love to meet you in person and help you out._

_Hope to see you soon,_

_Professor Poopypants_

 

After writing the email, the tiny professor went back inside his house and went back to sleep. When he woke up in the afternoon, he checked the computer to see if he got a response, and surely enough, he did!

_Dear Professor Poopypants,_

_I thought I’d never get in touch with you! I’m so happy that I finally got to talk to the real Professor Poopypants. I’ve gotten so many people who claim to be you, but they often turn out to be trolls who just want to make fun of what I do. My school is having a big New Swissland Day celebration in a few weeks, and I think I’m going to invite you to it! Attached are the details for the event._

_See you there,_

_Slimy Pottybutt_

 

The tiny professor quickly replied to the email, stating that he’d be happy to come. He also stated that he promised he would help out Slimy with The Poopypants Project as often as he can, and he would also spread awareness of it in Piqua, Ohio. To the tiny professor, this was the beginning of his journey to become a better person.

 


End file.
